This is the last parent group meeting pre-children. It was held in the morning (second meeting at this time point), and every parent showed up for this final meeting.
The meeting opened with a psychologist talking about the post-pregnancy blues. She defined that has the mother having a lot of hormonal changes, often leading to crying, especially for the first three days, as well as having symptoms of depression.
The psychologist further stated that if the depressive symptoms lasted for 10 days or more, then the parent (either the mother or the father may have postpartum depression) should call the psychologist (who seemed to be funded through the antenatal clinics).
Her main message:
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Call a psychologist sooner rather than later
So symptoms don’t get worse
The parent can start receiving support.
The midwife then took over and advised us to break into groups, while eating fika, to discuss how we currently divide our time as a couple and for personal time (today) and how we plan to divide our time as an individual, a couple, and as a family once the baby arrives.
The midwife though didn’t offer any sage advice. Rather, she simply listened as each group described their time spent with the family, the relationship, and by themselves.
She then thanked us and wished everyone a Merry Christmas!
We will meet one more time in March, after everyone has their baby.
At the fifth prenatal parent group meeting we were told to not come to our usual meeting place; instead, go to Uppsala’s Academic Hospital.
Everything suddenly became so real. The ultrasound brought the baby to life. Charting the growth of the uterus was exciting!
Going to the hospital where my baby will one day be born = slightly scary and exhilarating.
One couple and one expectant father did not show up to this meeting. The rest of us searched for where we were supposed to go….but luckily we had found each other 🙂
Eventually we worked our way down to a basement, and found the rest of the group. A midwife from Hjärtet met us there, introduced us to another midwife who works in the labor & birth ward, and then left us with her, while we got the grand tour.
We started by seeing the waiting room, where we were told that while expectant mothers are fed, there is no food for the expectant fathers; therefore, they are encouraged to bring their own food, label and date it, and put it in the fridge. Or they could go upstairs and buy food at the food court (if you happen to give birth during normal business hours).
Then we made our way to the bathing area. There was a large bathtub that expectant mothers are encouraged to go in while they’re in labor. There’s even enough room for the expectant father; although we’re told he should wear a bathing suit (apparently because the medical staff may walk in, and for some unknown reason, seeing a naked man, but not a naked woman, is unacceptable).
Then we made our way to a potential birthing room. It was dull and drab. The midwife pointed out that there were no curtains. And then pointed out that we should feel free to bring objects and entertainment with, since we could be there for several hours before actually giving birth.
We all sat around the rim of the room, while the midwife sat in the middle, demonstrating to us different tools that could be used, as well as different ways expectant mothers could use the room.
This was a very informative visit, and let expectant parents know what to expect, see where to go, and feel more comfortable in their soon-to-be surroundings.
Side note: Interestingly, nearly all of the expectant fathers asked various questions about the birthing process, the medical instruments the midwife described, and made joking comments, while only one expectant mother (Lisa) asked a question.
Second (cultural) side note: There was one comfy leather chair to sit on, while nearly all other chairs were hard metal (e.g. not comfortable). In typical Swedish fashion, no one took the comfy chair until the last couple came in. And then the expectant mother sat on the only remaining metal chair, giving the comfy leather chair to the expectant father….a few minutes later he got up and gave it to his partner.
At the fourth prenatal parent group meeting we discussed some of the complications and tragedies of childbirth.
Some people did not attend this meeting. While all of the previous meeting had been held in the afternoon, this was the first meeting held in the early morning. One couple came late (traveling from Uplands Väsby), one researcher couple did not attend, and an expectant father (who lives in Örebro).
All expectant parents who attended noted how tired they were.
Quick side note: The midwife always uses the term “pappa/partner” despite the fact that everyone is an expectant father, and one person will be an expectant grandma.
The meeting kicked off by having a child health nurse from the child health centers (barnvårdcentral [BVC]) come in and introduce herself, as well as discuss what the BVC is good for:
A place to visit while the child is 0 – 6 years old
Do child health check-ups (preventive work)
Growth and development
Weight and height
Offers parenting advice
Parent education classes during the infant’s first year
Then the midwife re-entered the room to start discussing the complications of pregnancy.
A rehash from the third meeting was stated–where expectant parents should stay comfortable prior to coming to the hospital via massages, baths, and doing other soothing activities (e.g. petting your pets).
When to go to the Labor & Birth Ward
We were instructed to go to the labor and birth ward not when the expectant mothers’ water breaks, but when she has had three contractions in the span of ten minutes. Each contraction, we’re told, should last for about a minute and will be intense and mildly painful (I say mildly only in comparison for what’s to come).
Prior to this, she may have a contraction every hour (or even more often), but if they are that far apart, there is no reason to rush to the hospital.
We’re told that the water breaking can be quite different for different people. Some actually have a gush of fluid come out of their vagina, letting everyone around them know they’re going into labor soon, while others have little to no liquids leaving their body.
Ways to Give Birth
There are a variety of ways to give birth–laying on your back, kneeling, standing up, in water, etc. In Sweden, we’re told by the midwife, that they encourage expectant mothers to walk around, to use their hospital room, to use a pilates ball prior to giving birth.
If expectant mothers are having pain, they can use epidurals, laughing gas, sterile hot water, acupuncture, and a few other things. Little information is given about the consequences of using any of these methods; although each method is described (e.g. how it works, how you feel if you take it).
A Normal Birth
We were told by the midwife that in most cases, parents have a normal birth, meaning that they do not need to have a cesarean section, that the father will cut the umbilical cord, and that the baby will immediately start to breastfeed, while the mother is topless (skin-to-skin contact).
Immediately following birth, the baby will be placed on the mothers’ chest, and be encouraged to start breastfeeding. After one to three minutes, the umbilical cord will be cut. We’re told that this will allow all of leftover nutrients still in the umbilical cord to reach the baby.
The placenta, we’re told, should come out within the first 30 minutes. If not, a procedure will need to be done in order to remove it.
The importance of breastfeeding immediately following birth and the baby’s first meal is stressed. Apparently there are extra vitamins/nutrients in the first eating that are stored in the mothers’ breast; therefore, expectant mothers shouldn’t try to pump breast milk prior to giving birth. This process could take a while, and complications do arise with baby’s potentially not having a good sucking reflex. Of course, mothers may also experience tender nipples.
The Fathers’ Turn
Due mainly to breastfeeding, after the mother has had the infant for about an hour, the father can than start to hold the baby, with skin-to-skin contact being the preferred method.
Some infants require birth via vacuum extraction. This can happen in one of two ways-either they put a suction-cup on the baby’s head via the vaginal canal and then pull the baby out using the strength from their hand (and only pulling when there are contractions) or to use an electrical machine that does basically the same job as the manual vacuum extraction.
Doing this, we’re told, will not damage the infant, but will leave a red mark (bruise-like feature) on the top of the baby’s head (where the suction-cup was placed).
Acute and Super Acute Cesarean Sections
While some expectant mothers will have a planned cesarean section, others, she warned, will have either an acute cesarean section or a “super acute” cesarean section.
The main difference refers to the amount of prep time doctors, midwives, nurses, and other staff have to prepare for the cesarean section. In a typical acute situation, the midwife said that they normally have about thirty minutes to prepare pre-cesarean. Life is less chaotic for the expectant parents and for the medical staff. However, if a “super acute” cesarean needs to happen, then it means that either the infant or expectant mothers’ life is in danger and the infant needs to be removed (for lack of a better word) immediately. In this scenario, medical staff have maybe up to 15 minutes to prepare, and the expectant parents’ hospital room is typically swarmed with multiple medical personnel, which can cause not only chaos between the two expectant parents, but also added stress, frustration, and alarment. Therefore, it’s important to be aware that this scenario could happen.
After the C-section
We were then warned by the midwife that after a cesarean section, the new father would be handed the baby, and they would be left to their own devices for probably 2-4 hours, while the mother is taken to an operating room to be sown up and recover from surgery.
Only after she’s alert again, will the father, infant, and mother finally unite as one family, and breastfeeding can then commence.
Since many expectant parents can have great amounts of fear regarding giving birth, it’s great to know what your options are and what to expect. This meeting provided a lot of useful advice.
At the third parent group meeting we discussed what would happen right before you go to the hospital to give birth.
No one was missing, except my partner.
We first went over topics we had discussed at the previous meeting (e.g. relationships), and then started jumping into preparations for giving birth.
We were all handed a book on breastfeeding (slightly weird, since we talked at length about breastfeeding during the first meeting).
The midwife checked in with all people present about their current pregnancy situation–one by one. In other words, expectant mothers were not given any extra time or questioning compared to expectant fathers.
Most expectant mothers complained about losing sleep, changing their walking habits, and looking forward to not being pregnant. While most of the guys either agreed with their partner or restated similar sentiments.
Two women complained about a pain in her side. The midwife, later in the evening brought up this ligament in her talk, and suggested that due to the baby growing, the pain from the ligament could affect every expectant mother.
Since Lisa wasn’t present, I spoke for her, saying that she was losing sleep, but that she was waking up a couple of times a night due to her acid (no solutions or suggestions were provided).
I then said that I was losing sleep and needed to support Lisa during the night with her acid. This was met with laughter from the parents, with one expectant mother exclaiming “oh, poor you.”
“No seriously,” I replied. “And I can see the lack of sleep starting to affect both of us. Now not just one person is irritable, but two people are, which can add to various relationship problems.”
People still laughed, although not as much as the first time. The midwife waited a second before moving on to the next person. Actually, in thinking about it, not only did the midwife not validate my concerns, but she failed to provide any insight to any individual or couple–she let everyone talk about their problem(s), but offered no sage advice or even thoughts.
After we were all done sharing our problems and concerns (and joys) related to the pregnancy, the midwife then went over several “useful” tips for preparing for birth.
Take baths to relax your body
Have your partner give you a massage
Do relaxing things in your house
Play with your pets
Take a shower/bath before going to the hospital
Eat food before going to the hospital
We then did a basic profylax course. Profylax is a type of massage that you can give to your partner to make them feel better. There are whole courses that you can take (for a fee) that teach you how to do profylax massages so that when you give birth, your partner can massage the expectant mother to 1) make her feel more comfortable and 2) give the expectant father a role in the birthing process.
Side note: I heard from people who took the profylax course that the course had good information, brought the couple closer together (in that they were now both focused on the pregnancy and the importance of giving birth), but that it wasn’t necessarily worth the money. (Sadly I can’t remember how much it costs, maybe 2000 SEK? or thereabouts).
The partners’ role was quite basic–be there for the expectant mother. There was little discussed in the way that expectant fathers are important and that they have a right to be at the birth; let alone, what the experience of being there means for the father, for the couple, and for the family. Father’s (partners) were discussed, but mainly in terms of taking care of the expectant mother, and mainly via making her feel comfortable (destressing her in various ways, especially via massages).
At the end of the meeting, I approached the midwife to go over the highlights from the night (just to make sure I understood everything–after all, I knew Lisa would be asking). After going through the key material, she also handed me an extra book on having a baby (in English)…just to make sure I understood everything that was in the seminar.
Unlike the first prenatal parent group meeting, not everyone showed up. Two couples did not come: expectant mom/dad who live in Uppsala and an expectant mom/grandma who live in Upplands Väsby.
This second meeting was not led by the midwife, but rather by two people from the Swedish church.
Their topic of the day: Relationships.
They talked a bit about the importance of maintaining a healthy relationship (surface level information): life is tough, having a baby complicates the relationship, make time for each other, support each other, etc.
They then kept the meeting quite interactive, either in small groups, as a large group, or with your partner.
We then broke up into groups, purposefully separated from our partners. In these groups we were to discuss what we need to have a strong loving relationship.
Expectant parents discussed typical things like supporting each other, listening to each other, discussing financial issues, and help each other feel good (see complete list [in Swedish] below).
After this, we broke for fika. During fika, several expectant parents joked and commented that we were receiving relationship advice from two members of the Swedish church. Apparently, being connected to the Swedish church, at least as far as relationships is concerned, isn’t so highly respected.
When class started back up, we played a game: To what extent do you agree with the following financial statement:
I charge all of my items on a credit card.
I just want to have new products for the baby.
I like to save as much money as possible.
I want to buy used baby products.
If you completely agreed, we were to walk to a woman and if we disagreed, we were to walk to a man (or end up somewhere in between). This would then inform us where we stood, especially relative to our partners. After talking with a few couples (and my own relationship)–no one seemed surprised about where they and their partner ended up. In other words, we all seemed to at least know the spending habits of our partners.
We then met one-on-one with our partners to discuss three things that we think will make our partner a great parent.
The night finished up with some communication tips:
“I statements” were emphasized
I feel; I need
Remember to take a step back before having a big discussion
Talk with each other when you start having feelings about something
Then just to be cheeky, I wrote”make-up sex”.
Turns out the leaders actually liked this (or it was coincidence), because then they went into a 10 minute diatribe about the importance of maintaining a healthy sex life and to talk with each other about your sexual feelings.
We then wrote down on a piece of paper things that turn us on–and we were to discuss that with our partners once we went home.
Lacking Couple Relationships within the Context of Parenting
The information covered was fine and fun, but had little to do with becoming a parent. I felt like the leaders could have tailored the meeting better to talk about relationships pre- and post-children: what to expect, and how to deal with problems while raising a child.
For example, how not to fight in front of the child, how the baby alters relationship roles, how conflicts can intensify when new parents are stressed and lacking sleep, how conversations become duller because of exhaustion from parenting, etc.
I was quite nervous about my first prenatal parent meeting. Would I understand everything? How many other parents would be there? How many other expectant fathers would be there? Would I make any friends? Would I like the midwife?
The questions were about to be answered as we approached the doors to the clinic around 3pm. The meeting would last for two hours. We were one of the last couples to come in.
Couples were sitting in a U-shape, with the midwife’s chair at the top. We took the last two seats and quickly realized we needed to write our names on a piece of paper. Lisa chose green–surprise, surprise.
Being ever analytical, I had to observe everyone’s name. Notice anything in the above picture?
There were nine expectant mothers present; eight of whom were with their partner and one who was with her mother. All couples were Swedish, except one couple, where both were from Belgium, and of course myself.
We started off the first meeting by having the midwife tell us to be seated in our birthing order. We quickly discovered that we were the second youngest couple, with birthday’s ranging from around the 10th of January to the 27th. Ours is on the 25th.
After that, everyone started introducing themselves one-by-one. To do this, we were instructed to come up with one word that describes themselves based on the first letter of their first name.
I said “mouth” for “Michael” since I like to talk a lot. After me was a woman who’s name started with an E. I’ll call her Elin. Elin said “ensam” (alone). Elin was the one person in the whole class who didn’t have the expectant father come with. It was a bit heartbreaking to hear her say ensam, and I immediately thought that the course could have had one course for couples and one course for people who will come alone.
This thought proved to be very true as the course progressed, but I’ll come to that in later posts.
After introducing ourselves, the midwife told us what to expect regarding the course and then we delved into the importance of breastfeeding. After the midwife spoke about breastfeeding for a while, we took a fika. No course can happen without a fika break!
During fika we divided into groups–four groups of four, basically. Two groups of expectant moms and two of expectant dads. We were to talk about the lecture and our thoughts on breastfeeding.
The guys in my group were all pro-breastfeeding and all wanted to encourage their partners, but felt like the choice was really their partners and not there’s.
I discussed alternatives if our partners didn’t want to breastfeed, such as breast pumping and purchasing breast milk from others–the guys were less enthusiastic about this and some didn’t even know it was possible. The overall consensus from my group was that it was mostly the woman’s decision, although they liked the idea of breastfeeding.
After 10-15 minutes, we digressed into talking about who we were. So far, we hadn’t even done introductions of each other. All of the guys were professionals, and most commute to work (e.g. Stockholm), and not all live in Uppsala (e.g. one was living in Örebro, while his partner lived in Uppsala). And here I thought it was tough for me to come to a 3pm meeting. Others were traveling hours to make it to this course. One word: dedication!
We then met back up to go over our breastfeeding discussions. Turns out the other groups did similar things–talked about breastfeeding before digressing into getting to better know each other.
I didn’t make any friends, per se. But I did have a fun time.
I will have to attend a Swedish-speaking prenatal parental course. They were supposed to offer an English version, but the person who runs that course is on parental leave, so I am left to attend the Swedish version. Yikes!
This version is presumably better in some ways, as there are a couple of extra classes that you don’t get in the English version–apparently a couple of times, people from the outside (e.g. non-midwives) will come to discuss certain topics with the class. For example, we will have one class on relationships. That course is taught by two people from the Swedish church, rather than from the midwives at the clinic.
The course meets 6 times over a 1.5 month time period. And then a seventh visit about 1-1.5 months after we all have our babies (the first baby is due to be born a bit before mid-January, while the latest is the 27th of January….but who knows when they’ll actually all pop out 😉
We have also learned that the midwife leading the class is from the same location as our midwife (Hjätat), but sadly is not our midwife 😦 They do rotations. This means that this is our fourth midwife so far (first midwife = first prenatal visit [she didn’t like father involvement so we discontinued seeing her], second midwife = current midwife at the MVC hjärtat, third midwife = ultrasound midwife).
This continuity of care is a bit annoying, personally. You search for a good midwife and make a connection with her, but meanwhile you’re just tossed from one midwife to the next. But I digress.
Anyway, at Hjärtet, they have several other ways to be involved while you’re pregnant.
For example, the profylaxkurs is a type of massage class for partners, vattengympa is doing exercises in the water, pappaträff is for expectant dad’s to meet each other, väntabarn igen-träff–not sure what that is (maybe if you’re waiting for your second [third, etc] kid and want to meet other parents), regnbågsgrupp could maybe be for same-sex couples, and baby massage is just like it sounds.
Well, here goes nothing!
Education, Health, Mental Health, and Public Policy